In the month of April I walked 31.5 kilometres! Its probably a big deal because for many years exercise has not been my friend nor my priority, not that i had any other priorities to stop me from exercising. So, yeah, I guess it is an achievement. For so many years i have had doctors say to me to exercise, it would help my depression, for years I haven’t exercised. I always had excuses for not exercising. I was too tierd, didn’t have time, didn’t want too, blah, blah blah…….They talked about exercise as being this big potion to get you out of depression, if you exercise the world will be all good again! Well after 31.5 kilometres in April and more in May I would just like to say its just bull because the million thoughts going through my head every day have not left, yeah I am centimetres less around the waist, but mind wise, mentally, I am just what i usually am, depressed!
45 days ago I started weight watchers and exercising because I had to start blood pressure medication for high blood pressure and I was FAT. It was high for awhile and I have been fat for years! I knew I had to do something about it but for whatever reasons I didn’t, mostly they were just excuses! So started an eating and exercising regime. I started recording my smartpoints and my fitpoints, i started eating three meals a day and exercising at least three times a week. You know like all the medical professionals tell you too!
Well I have been walking like a good girl…..yeah clocking up the kilometres and i have to say its come an obsession…..yesterday I had to walk 8 kilometers, it was like an obsession I had to do, all because I decided to walk in a charity event. I had to prove to myself that I could walk the distance.
That is what has become – an obsession! Like my obsession in school when I had to starve myself, my obsession years later when I had to hurt myself, even more years later when allowed myself to be bullied, abused and treated like shit. Thats been my life, obsessions! Obsessions trying to be someone that I am not!
Its not just to get my fitpoints each week, its like if I don’t walk each day I fail! It is like my obsession and I get praised when I report my exercise and I feel like I have achieved something. Wow I just walked 8 km’s…..but it sure as hell didn’t make my brain have some sort of miraculous turn around in mood!
But you know what? After every medical professional telling me that to have better mental health I should exercise and after walking my fat butt off all month – mentally I feel no better! It has changed me, it hasn’t made me feel better, in fact its just given me another obsession to focus on! Something else to worry about, something else to stress about, something else to feel guilty about, something else to be obsessed about!
It sure as hell doesn’t make me feel less sad, less shitty, less angry, less anything……I still fail to see the point in anything I am doing, will do or have done! But yeah I exercise like everyone told me to do so it should be fine, shouldn’t it?…….