There is no cure for depression, no magic pill, well I mean there are pills and in my case quiet a few, but they aren’t cures by any means. Sometimes I have thought, yes I feel good, maybe the depression has gone. But it never has, it comes back. Stressors usually do it or is the insomnia that goes for days which brings my mood down with it or there are times when there is not one thing i pinpoint as the reason for feeling so down.
Last May, the same month I turned 40, not sure if that meant anything but I left my job, well I was forced to resign under awful conditions. The stress that I was under was enormous. My insomnia was bad lasting 3 to 4 days per week, I had constant headaches sometimes turning into migraines that I couldn’t get rid of and would last for days and the anxiety and overall stress was unbearable. Leading to severe depression. I couldn’t even look at SEEK or any other means for a job, the thought of just looking sent me into a panic to the point of near tears. I realised I had reached a point where I could no longer handle the stress and what work was doing to me mentally. My husband said I should start my own business, be my own boss, I agreed with him.
At the time I had been photographing mostly sport for quiet a few years and it was this that I decided would be the direction I would take into the future. So after 20+years as a government employee in Victoria I decided to start my business is hard work, the journey has had its small rewards but mostly it has been a lot of work for little return and feelings at times of just wanting to give it away as a hopeless cause.
Getting back to drepression…….in life they say the biggest stressors is changing jobs. My mood has gone in peaks and troughs since leaving my job. The peaks when I have got a photography job and been so happy with the photographs and the feedback from them. The troughs the endless days of no enquiries, feeling alone, worthless, useless and that everything is just a waste of time. Lately, maybe the last 2 months, the cycle between peaks and troughs has slowly diminished and I have found myself in more troughs than peaks and I can feel the troughs getting deeper and darker and IT takes over my mind, my thoughts and the way I feel physically and mentally. I found myself sleeping most of the day, crying when I am alone and just wishing sometimes that if only I could go to sleep and not wake up then I wouldn’t have to feel any of this.
I know I need to see my GP, maybe my psychiatrist. Even my husband has said that I am not very happy and maybe I need to go back into hospital. Maybe I do. What goes through my mind the most is having to go back for help after being okay for awhile and feeling like I have not just failed myself but failed my family and that I would be seen as a failure by others. I can hear you saying but you haven’t failed, my brain tells me this is not the case, but when its really dark this is not in my thoughts.
Maybe if I was better at photography I wouldn’t be depressed. Maybe if I was a better person I wouldn’t get so stressed. Maybe, maybe, maybe……..and maybe in the future there will be a cure!