All it took was major stressors at work coupled by constant headaches and insomnia to send me into a vortex of depression, anxiety and the need to be alone away from people. The path of recovery that I have been on for sometime is no longer visible to me at the moment I can’t progress down it anymore and when I look back I can’t see where I have been. I knew what it felt like to be better, I was happy and most days were good ones but the road back to there has gone for now. I still have the strength and the belief that this will pass and I will see recovery again but for now I am where I am in the darkness of depression, building walls of protection and locking the door to everything outside of my four walls.
I hate that people have pushed me back here, that they have treated me badly so much so that I have lost trust in myself and those around me, that I have no passion for what I enjoy, that I no longer strive to be the best and to reach great outcomes. They took all that away from me and through their constant bullying, kicking and let downs they drove me into a dark place, made me feel deeply depressed, anxious and no longer the person I had recovered to be.
That is all it takes, stress and people to treat you badly, to send you spiralling, a giant snowball picking up speed and size and that annoying Black Dog who now nags at me constantly.
During the day exhaustion is like a wet heavy blanket on top of me. I struggle to escape it but on the other hand encourage it because it means I am protected from the world but mostly I am too tired to move, too tired to find some energy and too tired to want to find my way out of this lethargy that takes over me. During the night I fear the insomnia that lasts for hours, giving my mind time from not thinking about anything and making me stare at nothing to a constant noise of thoughts that I can’t stop or escape from. When I do eventually find sleep in the early hours of the morning it is fitful, filled with nightmares and when I wake I am drained of energy, exhausted from fitful sleep and rethinking those dreams like its on replay. It is not rest that the night gives me, it’s something I dread every night, it’s an exhaustion of knowing that I won’t get respite, that I have hours ahead of me in complete darkness waiting in hope that sleep will come.
My husband said to me tonight “you need to get out of the house”. That is what has become of me since I lost my trust in people, my confidence, my recovery. A prisoner in my own home. Trapped by my need to be alone, locked away because I fear being hurt, feeling ashamed that I am back here, not wanting to be around people because I no longer know what to say or want to be left feeling hurt. It is easier to be alone, it is easier to stay here than to panic, to have to talk or to be around people who I don’t think want me around them anyway.
I know these are all signs and triggers of something more damaging. I know I am creating this and that if I don’t break this cycle it won’t just pass like I hope. That is what depression is. An entrapment, a constant exhaustion, a battleground, a fight to breathe, for peace, for rest and just to be me.
I don’t know what is to come for me. I hope IT will pass and I will be able to breathe again. I hope that road I was on to recovery will reopen again. I hope that the Black Dog will leave me alone again. I hope that I will regain my trust and faith in people again. I hope I will find my passion for life again.
For now this is what it is!