As I traverse that middle zone between being depressed and living and losing all hope, severe depression and not wanting to live I feel like a little girl walking down a dirt road with a deep dark forest either side of me overarching the road. I feel that little girl being drawn into a darkness that she doesn’t want to go but doesn’t have the strength or resilience to fight against the draw into that darkness. She fears the darkness, the noises that are entering her head, the shadows, the isolation that on one hand she dreads but on another needs, the worst is that fear of the unknown. The fear of how far into the darkness she will go, how much the darkness will invade her, how much the darkness will trap her into a world that she neither wants to be nor will easily escape.
That is the biggest problem with depression. You learn to recognise the signs, you can see where you are headed even though you don’t want to but you don’t have the fight anymore. You get to a point, a tipping point, where you can’t fight to be well, you can’t fight against the saddness, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the noise in your head or the need to just make it all stop and to feel okay.