I don’t want……

It has been a while since I started my road to recovery and started to feel human and happy.  My life has changed so much since I became really sick with severe depression and bipolar and since my first and last attempts at suicide.  I have come a long way but while I have my occassional days of not been okay most days are normal and my life is one I am thankful for and which I am happy with.

So when stressors started to build up I kept saying to myself I have recovered I will be fine and it will all past.  But it hasn’t.  Things have been building and building for some time, the snow ball getting bigger and bigger and moving faster and faster down the mountain and soon it will hit rock bottom.  The Black Dog has been around a lot more than normal and is starting to spend more time at my side instead of in the background.

The thing is as much as I have always written of my experience to break down the stigma attached to mental illness now that I know I am not well and that things are starting to get worse I feel so ashamed that I am in this situation again.  I don’t want to be around people, talk/interact with people, do anything because I feel uncomfortable, I feel ashamed and I don’t want people to know that I am not okay anymore. I was meant to be recoved, I was meant to be able to overcome hurdles, I wasn’t meant to get back here where I just hate who I am, feeling so hopeless, alone and just wanting to hide from the world.

I don’t know where to go from here.  I don’t want to talk to my doctor only to get meds to make me feel a little better.  I don’t want to speak to a counsellor who is only going to want to dredge up the past.  I don’t want to talk to my loved ones because they will think I am a failure all over again.  I just want to be alone where nobody can find me, where nobody can speak to me, where I don’t have to be anyone!


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