My mental illness, depression, bipolar and anxiety, have been stable for some time. I have my occassional bad day or two but most of the time I am okay. After many years of being very sick and at edge it has been a relief to feel okay, to have no voices in my head over analysing, no deep saddness, no fears of the outside world, no suicidal thoughts. I never thought I would escape this nor find myself in a place that I liked but I have and its a relief and often I find myself asking why everything just changed so much for the better.
I put it down to ECT, despite the memory loss, the regime of medications and a stable relationship that has turned into a marriage.
Despite being stable it has always been in the back of my mind that at any time I could slip back into that big black hole and be back in the company of the Big Black Dog. The biggest triggers that I have recognised as signs that I am slipping are more regular bouts of insomnia and/or stress. Since seeing a Myotherapist on a regular basis my insomnia has eased considerably (touch wood) and my sleeping while fitful and often not to the extent that I wake up rested is better than endless nights awake. Stress on the other hand is not something that I can control. I find myself getting stressed quiet often in my work, day to day life, study, being busy, trying to do to much etc., no different to anyone else, I just tend to let it get the better of me and overwhelm me.
Since the start of the year I have found myself stressed more often than not, which has been mainly attributed to my work. I work in a field that has its fair share of barriers and I always find myself quiet frustrated. I am very passionate, committed and eager to make a difference in my field of work but sometimes my level of passion brings me undone and I find myself consumed by stress and frustration.
Recently I was told in a discrete manner that my employment contract would not be renewed. No reasons were given. By not giving me reasons for why my contract would not be renewed it sends my mind into overdrive and I continuously over analyse everything that has happened and does happen. I critique myself constantly and more often than not in a negative way. I get so stressed that I find myself feeling constantly sick, feeling like my meds aren’t working and feel myself getting more and more depressed. So over the last 3 or 4 months this has been my rollercoaster and in the last couple of weeks a increasingly steep cliff face that I am rapidly falling down.
My Black Dog has been lurking in the shadows for a while now and starting to be at my side for longer periods of time. I can feel myself getting worse, I can feel my negative thoughts creeping back in to my mind and I am crying a lot more. At night time I cry a lot and the mantra of “I can’t do this anymore”, “I give up”, “I just don’t want to be here anymore”. Over and over and over again……
Every time I find myself with hurdles before me that are stressful I find myself moving back into the vortex. I am just predispositioned to always struggle with depression and to always find myself in stressful situations that I cant migitgate or control. I become my own worst enemy and instead of rising above the stress and proving to myself that I am better than this I head back into the black hole, with my bloody Black Dog, shutting out the world and singing my mantra.
That is where I am at…….who knows where to from here……