My journey with depression has been a long and relentless battle. At times I have been okay but more than I would like to count it has been incredibly hard to the point where it would be too easy just to give up and succomb to IT. In the last two years I have been reasonably well, yes I have had ups and downs, but mostly I have got through each day, each week feeling okay. Okay is good for me!
I have everything I have ever wanted in my life. I am happy, I am loved, I have a good job. I am getting married. There are no excuses for depression, for feeling like I do. I rarely sleep for eight hours a night, in fact, I am not sure that I have. When I do get a couple of hours I wake up feeling like every ounce of energy has been drained from my body and the exhaustion is like an endless wave drowning me. Mostly though, particularly the last couple of months, everything has felt like it is too hard. I feel like a burden and I feel like everything around me is a burden. I feel like a heavy shroud is hanging over my head making it harder to breathe, threatening to drown me in its darkness. The Black Dog is lurking in the background and it would be so easy just to let it back into my life and to give up the fight against him.
Today I woke feeling completely exhausted, I feel like everything is so incredibly hard at the moment. I cried for the first time in a long time. There was no real reason, it just swamped me and I couldn’t or didn’t want to stop it. It didn’t make me feel any better, it just made me feel tierder than I was. Everything feels like it is always out of my reach, that to get anywhere is a huge battle, and to feel good is something I don’t understand how to be.
I could quiet easily give up, just let the depression overcome me, it would be easier to give up than to fight against something that is beyond me. The shroud of darkness is closer to me, I feel on the verge of suffocation, I feel like I am trapped inside a vortex of feeling like I can’t keep going, that its too hard and darkness is better than fighting the light.
I have no reason for being like this. Yes I have a mental illness. Yes I will never be without it. I thought I had reached a point where I was managing it or should I say all the medications were managing it. But like everything, it must come to an end and I must admit that I am not okay, that IT is taking over. I can’t admit it to people around me. They would not understand. Why should they understand when I don’t. I have everything, I am better off than most yet I still can’t be happy. There are no excuses. I am just weak and when it all gets too hard I just want to give up.
I am too exhausted to keep up the mask, to keep the fight internal, it is easier just to let it succomb me.