Maybe I will never change, this will always be….

Things seem to be getting increasingly harder for me….stress and depression are starting to consume me.  My greatest enemy in my fight against mental illness is my type A behaviour which drives my determination, commitment, passion, drive for the best….it is an obsessive feeling, a drive to never give up no matter what, a need to be the best you can be….it’s a vortex….whilst it can be positive for us to be so committed and passionate about our lives it can also be our worst enemy, which I have found.  

Type A behaviour drives my passion and commitment to my job, it motivates my ‘never give up’ attitude, it makes me determined to make a difference, it makes me determined that things have to be right, not just correct, but things go the way they should, policy, procedures are followed, that gaps and deficits are overcome,that vulnerabilities are built to be resilient factors….

The drive to be this and to achieve all this when going well works well, too well, but when there are barriers and others don’t share nor see the vision it contributes to my stress which when it continues with no positives sends my mood into depression…..for what a job! For some things that maybe I could never make a difference within. Whether I intentially contribute to my own stress and depression is not the point, it’s the behaviour and emotions that control who i am that matter.  They are the factors that drive my emotions,bring me down every time I hit a barrier or receive negative feedback.  Most people should be able to just deal with it and move on….not me!

With my stress and then depression I want loneliness, isolation from the world. I don’t feel like belong in this world and I feel the only person by my side is the Black Dog who seems to appear when it all gets hard and once present just makes things a lot worse.

My job has put me in this position, it seems to always do.  No matter the place I am in,how hard I try, no matter the circumstances I end up like this.  Feeling alone, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, isolated, stressed, angry, frustrated….so much going on in my head, with my feelings and in my life that it is all just too much.  Despite my dreams to make a difference in my job I just want to give up, I don’t have it in me anymore, I just want to hide from the world, avoid the reality, the confrontation, the challenges, the stress…..I don’t have the energy for it anymore, it’s easier if I just wasn’t here!

My thoughts are always of my cousin, of how he took his life, how I should have done more but most of all thinking that it should have never been him!  I haven’t grieved for him, I haven’t come to terms with why, I have just been going from day to day not recognising that he is no longer here, I haven’t lost him yet. I know he is no longer here, I just haven’t dealt with it, it feels like it is another world.  I dream it should have been me, I wish it was, I think about me being in the coffin instead of him…..but most of all I think about the emptiness and not being able to recognise that he is dead!  It plays on my mood, it adds to my emotions, it makes me feel like someone else because it’s one of those things that happen to everyone else.  It doesn’t happen to you!

I keep thinking that it won’t matter what I do in life, in my job or in anything I will always expect more of myself that I am capable of doing.  I know that I can never deal with that over load, yet I keep going back to it, returning to my passions only to be driven back down the old roads again where I meet back up with that bloody black dog who will build more barriers, make the days a lot darker and who will drive me to places in my mind where I shouldn’t be!

I have been thinking of changing my career but I know too well what I am like, I will no matter the job end up back here, stressed and depressed so why would I try, why would I keep going when no matter what it is, I will always be going down a long dark lonely road only accompanied by a Black Dog who is determined to ruin my life and who is so hard to fight!

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2 thoughts on “Maybe I will never change, this will always be….

  1. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your cousin. When my brother died, I felt as if nothing mattered really, and I couldn’t handle the stress of my job. I wanted to take a leave so badly but couldn’t afford it. It gets better so be extra good to yourself and know that you did and are doing the best you can do. Hugs to you.

  2. I am sorry for your very depressed mood and self-loathing. You sound like a truly excellent person, I’m sure you left out helping others, sharing their problems. Who share yours. You have to find a Therapist, it is essential. I don’t think there is a cure for depression, I wish there was. I don’t have your drive, but I do have the despair and feeling of hopelessness. I know that it can be helped. Please, you do not have to suffer so. Take care of yourself for a change. The sun does shine for us. Good luck.

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