I still feel so empty that my cousin is no longer here and that he took his own life. He was the person that in a million years I never thought he would die like this. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, not because of this, I have insomnia that comes and goes, comes generally when I am under stress. At night when I can’t sleep I often start to think about my cousin and what has happened, I think my brain is trying to understand what he did. The thing is I don’t and haven’t yet felt angry about what he did, I don’t cry, I don’t feel anything….maybe all these months later I am still in denial that he is gone. Sometimes I think that it should have been me, I mean its not like I have tried in the past. The one thing that I keep thinking about is that he grew up with his Dad and he always said to me that he never wanted his boys to grow up without him, yet here they are now, growing up without their Dad. Why would he leave them without a Dad when it was the one thing he was adament he would never do?
The other day my sister sent me a message that her and her husband were running a marathon later in the year and as part of that are raising money. They have chosen to donate the money to Headspace an organisation in Australia aimed at preventing suicide in youth and young adults. I donated because I think my cousin would have wanted to prevent this happening to someone else and I don’t want there to be a someone else for anyone. The thing is I feel angry that they have chosen to do this. Not because I don’t think raising money for Headspace is really important and they feel that its important to do it in our cousin’s honour. What I don’t understand is that for the many years that I was very sick with mental illness, after the many times that I tried to commit suicide, to end it all, I did not hear from them. In fact they pretty much isolated me. Why is it that it takes my cousin’s death for them to take an interest in mental illness? Why is that for those in our family who are living with mental illness, and there are a few, they have never offered help, never asked us R U OK?, why is it that they only care once we are dead?
I do continue to feel guilty over Jason’s death, I think if I had tried harder he may not have died but his circumstances did not make it easy to do that, that is in no way an excuse, I should have tried harder. Maybe I am one of the reasons why he is no longer here, because I didn’t try hard enough to make sure he was okay, that I didn’t know he was so sick that he would do this. This blaming myself is part of my grief, I know that, but maybe its reality, the reason why he is dead.
Another thing that keeps me awake at night is my family. Why? I have no idea. We have been separated for a long time, since 2004. My first suicide attempt was the cause, or the excuse or maybe it had nothing to do with but that’s when it started. Anyway when I got engaged I thought it was time to make a fresh start with them and make contact with my parents. They came to our engagement party but conversations with them have been few and far between. I try but there is no effort on their part but that is no surprise I probably deserve it considering I have made no effort for over 10 years. The thing is I keep thinking about home, dreaming about my childhood, particularly my teenage years, of the farm I grew up on. I keep thinking that I just want to go back home, to the area not with my parents, to live. It makes no sense to me. I know after my cousin’s death my uncle and aunty spoke about the importance of family and that I should keep trying but its not easy when they don’t understand and they don’t seem to want to try. Maybe what happened to my cousin has made me think and dream of home.
I don’t know what is going on with me, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t want my cousin to be gone. Sometimes I wish I didn’t make contact because that would mean I wouldn’t be thinking about home. Sometimes I feel so, so tired of it all, of fighting not to go backwards, fighting not to isolate myself, fighting not wanting to be here anymore. I have to much to live for so why should be it so hard.