Never going to be the same again

I haven’t been the same since the 18th January 2015, I will never be the same again….

I never expected it would ever happen, not to him….

I should have seen the signs that I had in myself for so long, I should have tried harder to keep in touch, to talk and to be there for him….I will live with that guilt forever…

I knew something was wrong, I knew he wasn’t happy, that things in his live were not okay but I never thought I would get that call and he would be gone forever….

On the 18th January, 2015 my closest cousin who I saw as my little brother took his life, of all the people I knew I never thought it would be him but it was and I still think about why, what if, if only….these thoughts and guilt will never escape me it is something that I will have to live with as I live without him being apart of my life anymore.

Its nearly been six months, it has gone so fast like life does, it still does not feel real, I don’t think I have truly grieved, I am still in this void of not understanding why, having so many questions and thinking constantly about him, even in my dreams or are they nightmares I can’t move past what has happened. I have wanted to write about this for a long time but I just haven’t known what to say, I wanted to be a voice for him but I don’t know how or what to write. I just feel empty.

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3 thoughts on “Never going to be the same again

  1. So sorry to hear about your loss. Maybe it would be helpful to start writing about the more inspiring memories you have from your him and maybe you’ll figure out a way to go from there.

  2. My deepest sympathies for your loss. Writing could be a way to help you through the grief, and it sounds like guilt. Take care.

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