It has been awhile since I wrote. I have been in a strange place that I haven’t been use too. This place has been a place where for the first time in a very long time I have felt ‘content’, somewhat happy. Well I think that is what I am feeling or where I am at. It may seem strange to you why it is so hard for me to recognise how I am feeling. I lived in a word filled with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, unhappiness, so many feelings that it is another post but what I am trying to say is that for so long I was depressed that seeing my way out of this, feeling like this, has been extremely hard to and to trust.
Where I am is a good thing, it has allowed me to work and enjoy my life in ways that I haven’t done before and I have seen life through different eyes. The world has gone from being black and white shrouded in deep fog to being a world of colour, beauty, sunshine and enjoyment. It was the world that has been around me but because of depression I wasn’t able to see, feel or live within.
I will be honest, I never thought that I would ever experience content. I didn’t know how to feel like this and I didn’t know how to recognise when I got here. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago, sitting on a train that I thought to myself…I feel content!. What this means to me at this time is that, for now, my depression has lifted, the dark thoughts have gone and I feel a feeling or feelings that I never felt before. I don’t know if it is happiness, because that I haven’t felt before so it is hard to recognise if it is what I feel. But what I do know is that I see the beauty in things I couldn’t see before. I smell scents that before I couldn’t smell. I laugh like I haven’t laughed before. I look forward and not back. I actually want to do things where before it was a chore.
I still have a few days where I am not myself, or the new me. Mostly its exhaustion that hits me a couple of times every couple of weeks but I get through it. Rarely do I hit a low point where I was for so many years. I know that I will always have depression, I know it will always be there somewhere in me but I know that there are ways to control it, to keep it at bay and to allow me to live.
But why I haven’t I written?
Well I know it sounds strange but I feel like now that I am content that I have nothing to write about. That now that I am out of the darkness, I have nothing to share. However, tonight I read the experience of a friend who like me had been living with depression and an attempt at suicide. After reading this, I thought that even though I am now in a good place I shouldn’t stop sharing my experience, stop writing about depression and suicide because if I don’t it is one less step in the whole fight against stigma that won’t be taken.
So I am going to start writing again.