Who would want this…..

I just don’t feel like me.  Then I think, have I ever known who I am?  With the many extremes my mood and my body goes through daily, weekly, monthly, between day and night, and season to season how do I ever know who I actually am or who I will ever be?

The shere exhaustion that I constantly feel drains everything from me, it stops me from doing things, it makes everything feel ten times worse than it is.  Having to deal with the extremes is a constant roller coaster of enormous highs and severe lows, then there is the mania then the severe depression, the insomnia and then thinking I have slept yet feel like I have slept a wink, the feelings of anger for no reason or agitation that is unexplained and then just a flatness of feeling nothing, no feeling, little of anything!

How do you keep believing in yourself when you feel these extremes constantly with absolutely no relief?  How do you recover from the extremities of moods and the exhaustion that comes from a combination of all of it?  How do you enjoy life when this is what it is about?  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no times of enjoyment or times when everything feels ok because it doesn’t matter what day it is, hour it is there is always the extremes, it never ends!

When I am manic I dread the crash and burn out that is coming.  When I am depressed I dread it’s never ending.  When I have insomia I fear the constant nights of wakefulness.  When I am exhausted I just drag myself through each day, hoping that I just won’t wake up the next day.  If it’s not these feelings that wear me down to breaking point it is just knowing that everything is just a struggle and that I am not ok.

I live with hope that maybe, just maybe, I will one day feel what it is like to be normal, to be ok but then I wonder how will I know when I get to that point when how I am is all that I have ever known!

I want this endless cycle to end, for this life, what is meant to be a life to be done because I don’t enjoy this, I don’t love this, you can’t when life, your body and your mind hate you and inflict constant punishment upon you!  Who would ever want this?

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5 thoughts on “Who would want this…..

  1. Don’t ever lose hope. As the saying goes “they didn’t build Egypt in a day.” Conquer one hill at a time and soon you’ll have conquered the whole mountain.

  2. I’ve just found your site on my first ever search for mum bloggers with depression and whilst I’m now having a mild anxiety attack writing this, I dream of the day when I can talk about this crappy condition freely and publicly with a very loud voice without worrying what everyone else thinks. From a mum of 4 with 10 years of ‘diagnosed’ anxiety/depression and a new smidge of bi-polar.

    • Hi Renee, I have found my writing as a way to get a lot of the past out of my system, it has been a release and a weight off my shoulders. You don’t have to write it in a blog but just a journal will help. I hope you find reading of my experience helpful in knowing that you are not alone. All the best, Debbie…xxxx

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