I was enjoying the rare time when I am home alone and able to lie down on the couch and read a book in peace and quiet. Then the door bell rings, it never rings unless it is one of the little boys friends, him mucking around or one of those sales people selling something that nobody wants. With a bit of annoyance I get up and answer the door.
It is one of the little boy’s friends Mums who until that moment I had never met despite the boys being at school, best friends, for one and a half years nearly. I am not so good at making friends anymore, so it’s probably my own fault that we hadn’t met, I really make no effort to meet anyone because I believe quiet strongly that nobody would want to know me let alone be friends. I sound like a kid – “nobody likes me!”
So the Mum at the door introduces herself talks to me about the boys going away with them for the weekend and if that would be ok, I said no worries, there followed more chatting about the boys and their teenage antics. Good to know that my little boy isn’t the only one to do all the things I think are strange!
The whole time she is standing there I am thinking ‘don’t say anything stupid’, ‘I wish she would go now’, ‘am I being rude not asking her to come in’, ‘oh god, oh god’.
The conversation ended, she would be in touch with the final arrangements.
Back to the peace and quiet and now a mind that won’t shut up overanalysing the whole conversation and situation. I should have not answered the door!
‘She will think you are rude’, ‘she will go home telling her husband how unfriendly I am’, ‘I will never hear from her again’, on and on it goes…..
But why does this sort stuff worry me so much when it never did? Because I have been rejected, isolated, ignored, shut out so many times in my lifetime. To many times people I thought were friends in recent years have been anything but and to be truthful I have lost my ability to not be friendly but to become friends with people because I no longer know what to say. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, I feel like my mental illness makes me unlikable, and for those that know what I’ve been through I feel like they just don’t want to be involved with me as a friend because of IT.
I crave to have friends, I want to be able to have a friend to talk to, a friend who pops in for coffee or lunch and I do the same, a shopping buddy, a girls night out friend…but I don’t. I know it’s my fault but I can’t do it anymore, try, because I am sick of being let down and hurt.
I feel like I have returned to those days in the old school yard when everyone was off with their friends and I am sitting on the swing all alone…..maybe that is all I will ever be….alone! I have turned into a person I hate being and a person that nobody wants to be around. So wants the point in existing at all!