Depression is so incredibly relentless…..

Depression is so relentless.  Despite any treatment it never leaves you.  Rarely are there days when i feel well, most days are filled with deep depression, sadness, exhaustion, nausea, stomach problems, headaches and anxiety.  I struggle to get through every day.  

If I say ‘i am really not well’ the response is always ‘you will be ok’, but what is ‘ok’? Is ok to be feeling physically well? Because I never do. I am always exhausted, no matter the sleep I get it’s never enough, the physical symptoms persist every day.  Is ok to feel mentally well, not depressed, not sad, not feeling worthless and helpless?  Because no I never do.  The combination of the mental and physical never ends and is constantly wearing me down, eroding my ability to work, live, do absolutely everything, it leaves me in a constant state that I want to walk away, I want to give up.  It would be so much easier to give up because I no longer have what it takes in me to live.

I can do all the right things to help achieve a healthy lifestyle both mind and body but the truth is I have never felt a time when I have felt well.

I have asked my psychiatrist many times how I can work while managing my depression, his answer is always ‘well I don’t think that you are healthy enough to maintain the physical and mental stamina to work’. A defeatist attitude really that leaves me wondering why all the literature about maintaining your mental health is to work, either paid or voluntary.  So how is it that when I ask for help to keep working, the response is just don’t do work!

I am too worn down to keep going.  The thought of living day to day is just too much.  I don’t care any longer about my career, about money, I just want to feel better.  The way it is I don’t feel well so why should I keep going doing all this when I am not managing and everything is just so, so hard and the burden of depression is so incredibly relentless.

What is ‘recovery’? The absence of major depressive episodes? The absence of depression? The ability to fell well physically and mentally? 

I thought that I was starting to recover, I have been saying this for awhile but the truth is that I don’t think I am on the road to recovery, how can I be if I constantly feel so unwell in all aspects of my life?

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3 thoughts on “Depression is so incredibly relentless…..

  1. I long to feel good and happy, like so many others I see that can get up and take care of kids and the house with all the other things involved and they have smiles on their face, like they have never had to feel the pain I feel every day of my life. Truth is I have never felt that way, not ever. I always wished I could have the energy of most people. We have to find a way to manage with what we got. If that means you are in bed far more than you are out of bed, so be it……

  2. I can relate to you. Although I haven’t been “clinically” diagnosed with depression/ anxiety/ mood issues etc etc, it is in my family and I believe I have some degree of all those things. I feel the way you do….lack of energy, drained, emotional, overwhelmed. Looking for ways to deal with it on a daily basis….it’s a struggle but we have to keep finding ways to handle it. I don’t think it ever goes away. I am better at times and very very bad at others. it is comforting to know that people are talking about it more and more and the stigma is lessening. Thank you for providing insight into your world. I think part of the solution is knowing that others feel the way you do and that you are not alone. Hang in there….with you in spirit! XO

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