Depression is so relentless. Despite any treatment it never leaves you. Rarely are there days when i feel well, most days are filled with deep depression, sadness, exhaustion, nausea, stomach problems, headaches and anxiety. I struggle to get through every day.
If I say ‘i am really not well’ the response is always ‘you will be ok’, but what is ‘ok’? Is ok to be feeling physically well? Because I never do. I am always exhausted, no matter the sleep I get it’s never enough, the physical symptoms persist every day. Is ok to feel mentally well, not depressed, not sad, not feeling worthless and helpless? Because no I never do. The combination of the mental and physical never ends and is constantly wearing me down, eroding my ability to work, live, do absolutely everything, it leaves me in a constant state that I want to walk away, I want to give up. It would be so much easier to give up because I no longer have what it takes in me to live.
I can do all the right things to help achieve a healthy lifestyle both mind and body but the truth is I have never felt a time when I have felt well.
I have asked my psychiatrist many times how I can work while managing my depression, his answer is always ‘well I don’t think that you are healthy enough to maintain the physical and mental stamina to work’. A defeatist attitude really that leaves me wondering why all the literature about maintaining your mental health is to work, either paid or voluntary. So how is it that when I ask for help to keep working, the response is just don’t do work!
I am too worn down to keep going. The thought of living day to day is just too much. I don’t care any longer about my career, about money, I just want to feel better. The way it is I don’t feel well so why should I keep going doing all this when I am not managing and everything is just so, so hard and the burden of depression is so incredibly relentless.
What is ‘recovery’? The absence of major depressive episodes? The absence of depression? The ability to fell well physically and mentally?
I thought that I was starting to recover, I have been saying this for awhile but the truth is that I don’t think I am on the road to recovery, how can I be if I constantly feel so unwell in all aspects of my life?