The ongoing struggle to be me……

Last week I could only manage one day of work, I ended up at my doctors and then the following day at my psychiatrist.  Both I told I needed to see a counsellor, both said I needed a longer appointment to get a mental health plan and they couldn’t do that today.  Gone are the days when you go to an appointment and get a referral to see a counsellor.  If it’s not hard enough to admit you need to see a counsellor now you have to wait for another extra long appointment to tell them why you need a counsellor before they can write a plan to see one.  Depending on the counsellors appointments it may take weeks if not months to see one.  Health departments and the governments think that the services for mental health are both accessible and equitable!

After crying in front of the doctor and my psychiatrist, outlying how depressed I was and how hard it was for me to get through a day both told me the only way I could manage my depression was if I didn’t work.  I have to eliminate all stressors.  I know, as does my soul mate, but on the other hand both of us know that working provides me with a purpose and socialising.  On the other hand I know I no longer have the stamina to handle stress, the struggles to get through each day, and no longer have the fight, willpower or motivation to keep going.  I also feel the stress that I am obligated to work, to bring in a wage for our family and future.

The doctor gave me the k-10 survey to measure my mood, my score alarmed the doctor, she was concerned about my level of depression.  I then went to my psychiatrist whose concern resulted in discussions about admission back into a psychiatric hospital to not undergo sessions of ECT because of what it did to my memory, but to go to a hospital in the city for 2-4 weeks to undergo TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation).  With the same results as ECT, TMS stimulates the neurotransmitters in the brain to produce more serotonin that then increases mood.

Yeah maybe I need it, but I don’t want to be away from my soul mate or especially my little boy.  Not to mention having to work out how I can get this treatment for that length of time.  

I know when I get to work tomorrow my Manager will ask me if I am ok, I will probably say not really, and she will say well is there anything I can do to help, and I will say no I don’t think so.  Let’s face it what is any organisation willing to do to assist an employee who has a mental illness and who is not managing at work?  To be honest, they have little to offer and nothing to provide to assist because at the end of the day no organisation cares about how an employee is too sick to do their job effectively, all they want is the job done and no hassles.  That is what society is and what they will always be when it comes to those who struggle to work through each day.

All weekend I have felt the stress of having to face work and everything that comes with it.  My anxiety and mood has gone from one extreme to another and I have no control over it.  The feelings are just overwhelming.  I go to bed and lie awake for hours thinking bad thoughts and wishing that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t be going through this hell anymore, but that will always be a dream, mental illness will always be with me.

I have started having nightmares.  The first one I had was my soul mate collapsed on the footpath and that was it he was gone forever.  The second nightmare my little boy was walking to school and got hit by a car and was gone from my life forever.  Both gone, I had nobody left in my world, nothing left to live for.  My third dream was I was in a grave, my grave, I was being lowered into the hole and there was nobody around, my life, me, I meant nothing.  These dreams haunt me every night, they vary somewhat but mostly they result in the same.

I don’t want these stressors, these struggles, I don’t want to have to explain my illness to a stranger, my boss, who says she understands but ultimately doesn’t care for the person only that the job gets done.  I just want to get up each morning feel the sun on my face, no Black Dog in my life, and the ability to get through my days without stress, feeling good and finding what it means to be happy.  I don’t want fortune, or travelling, or the materials that are luxury, I only want two things my little family, my man and boy, and the second thing to be happy, depression gone from my life.  At this time, as it has been for many years, is beyond me!


One thought on “The ongoing struggle to be me……

  1. I want the same things as you do. I always wondered what it would be like to wake up and feel good and be happy with energy like so many people I see. I have had short glimpses into this in my life, but it just won’t every stay around me. I call my depression the darkness.

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