Last time I had my major depressive episode my soul mate and I went to hell and back. If there was anything that would test our commitment, relationship and our love that was it, but true to his word my man stood by me, and we continue on stronger than ever. I was well and truly down a path of what I thought was recovery, I went through hell, had gone through ECT, all sorts of medications, had suffered severe memory loss, pretty much said goodbye to my career, battled on, and at some point it all seemed to come together and I felt like the sun was shining and I was free from the Black Dog. Life was looking up, I returned to full time work, and started to learn what happiness was.
I won’t deny that I didn’t have bad days and at times it was hard to keep going but I always seemed to find the strength to fight the Black Dog, to stop the fog descending. Until the last four to six weeks I thought I was ok, I actually could say I was ok instead of the traditional ‘I am fine’ but slowly the dog has crept up on me, work started to get to me and I felt stressed, the news of suicides started my head into thoughts and flashbacks and then one of my best friends since 1988 died, went to bed and never woke up. I went into a spiral, that has become faster and faster, deeper and deeper. My head was filled with too many thoughts that I couldn’t block with music or meditation, I couldn’t stop the tsunami of emotions that threatened to hit me too often, and I found myself so depressed that I couldn’t get myself out of it.
Unable to go to work, feeling too exhausted to stay out of bed, and feeling so sad, depressed and hopeless I can feel myself heading to the edge of a cliff and likely to head over the edge. I have tried to distract myself, tried to focus on the good things, trying to block out all the thoughts and flashbacks, but it is a tireless effort that I can no longer fight. I feel myself giving in to the Black Dog and the deep darkness that will shroud me, a strong force that takes a hold and will doing anything to keep that hold upon me.
Amongst all this is, I can’t stop thinking that I am such a burden to my soul mate and my little boy, that this will never leave us, it’s something that we can’t escape. All I think is that why would my soul mate want to keep going through this, who would want to do this over and over again? I am convinced that this repetitive nightmare will never cease as long as I live. There is no cure, there will never be enough medications, ECT is only ever going to be temporary, counselling can go on forever, changing thought patterns can only do so much because when it all comes down to it you can’t change what happens in your brain and the chemicals and neuro transmitters that will always be in control.