This time last year….

I have come a long way since this time last year.

14 February 2013 I have been told, because ECT stole my memory, that I received a box of beautiful Roses and ate Chinese food….you are probably think this is lovey, so……well I was in a psychiatric hospital going on a month, half way through my ECT sessions, very sick, drugged out, and we didn’t know when I would be home and IF I would ever be me again, because depression had stolen me into its grips of deep sadness, darkness, and suicidal thinking that had taken me to places you wouldn’t take your worst enemy.

The soul mate and I went to hell and back, we couldn’t see a future where I would be ever well enough to deal with the day to day let alone stressors, managing a mental illness, working and yeah what I couldn’t do live…..there were no signs of happiness where I was…..

Today, I am on medications that keep my depression somewhat at bay, I still have bad days but they are fewer and far between. I have finished ECT one of the hardest parts of my life because it robbed me of so many memories that I still can’t remember today but I have to focus that it did improve my mood. I haven’t been back to the psych hospital for nearly a year, there have certainly been times when I didn’t think I could live outside one. I have been to countless doctors, psychiatrist and therapy sessions, but I have after many years found the right combination that is working to make me healthy. After two years I am finally back working full time, to do this has been huge for me, I still struggle through most weeks and my exhaustion hits me very hard, but I am getting there, it will take time to repair my stamina and keep depression at bay but what I have is a start.

I have finally after probably 20 years reached a point when on some days I can now honestly say I have felt and been happy. I can’t say that every day is like this because there are days when depression takes me to a dark place, but it’s not as dark as it was and I don’t retreat there for weeks, months at a time.

The reason I am here today is because my soul mate has vested his life into me, our relationship and my life. He has given his all. Put money into getting me better when we couldn’t afford it. He has been at my side through the darkest of days, the hardest of nights. He supported me when I had no strength, he led the way when I could not see the way, he held me up when my body wanted to fall down, he was the light in my day, the focus when depression took life from me. When I gave up on life and ended up unconscious in a hospital bed he stood by me, helped me to see the light, feel the purpose when depression robbed me of the will to live. That is what a soul mate is, when you are in your darkness days he is there your strength, holding you up bad guiding you back to the light. This type of man,this love that we have is so rare but through his will power, determination and love for me he has brought me back from the brink.

This is where I have been and where I am today…..

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