Depression is not to be human…..

“Don’t forget you’re human.  It’s okay to have a meltdown.  Just don’t unpack and live there, cry it out and refocus on where you are headed.” – Unknown

When you live with depression the last thing you feel is human.  You feel like within you lives an alien that attempts to strangle your soul, something that you aren’t able to control, and a beast ready to let fly crashing your emotions at depths that nobody believes are possible.

I don’t recall how many meltdowns I have had in my lifetime, countless.  Meltdowns that have brought me so far into the dark fog that the oxygen has been sucked from the air, where the depths I have plummeted have seemed and were endless, and feelings and emotions have overwhelmed me to a point where death was my only option.  These were more than meltdowns over every day stress, a thing not going my way, a lost love with a broken heart or dreams soured by disappointment and being lost a long the way.  They were more than pick yourself up from your fall, dust yourself off and start over again, these meltdowns were falls that cripple your body and mind, that no amount of time can heal the wounds inflicted by the enemy, meltdowns.

It may be ok to let everything out, to cry and to have what so many call a meltdown, but when it is depression the unpacking of it all doesn’t stop with the tears, the baggage isn’t just the daily essentials it is what holds your life together, it erodes your being, it demolishes your soul, and takes apart the fabric for which your whole life has been built upon.

If someone was to explain to me what it is to have depression and to have major depressive episode or a ‘meltdown’ I would never have believed the magnitude that an illness could cause to every aspect of your life and the continued hardship that was required to rebuild from the rubble where a meltdown leaves you.  There are no words to explain when one has never been there, recovery can not be so simple when you haven’t lived in the aftermath, and you can’t just recommend the support you need because there is never enough support that can bring you back from the depths to the person you use to be.

I have unpacked everything that I have owned, felt and lived for, dreams have dropped from my bags like they meant nothing, family have been lost on the baggage carousel where life has left them, my feelings, emotions, self esteem and confidence have been unpacked in a place I don’t know where only the greatest adventures will retrieve them, but this unpacking has not been with the intention to repack because where I have been there is no intention all there is to be is the eroding of a life that can never be lived.

If only depression could be a matter of through a meltdown we could unpack the burden that such an illness places upon our lives, if only by unpacking is to find our happiness and leave the pain behind us.  If it was so simple we could live there but it is not, depression is a place we cannot live, we endlessly struggle to escape from its clutches only to leave us exhausted and spent of the ability to get back up.

We know what it is to cry, to shed tears endlessly, we know what it is to have no control over the flow.  Depression gives us a wave of tears that will never end, the sadness is always there and while there may be some controls to slow it down the tears are always there like the depression that causes them to erode our lives.  How to refocus when a meltdown is so monumental I struggle to see the vision, I struggle to keep trying, to rebuild and to find the direction in which to head when the map I have is without a compass.

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