No two days are the same in my world of depression, bipolar and general anxiety disorder. In any one day I can go through many different extremes from complete exhaustion that no amount of sleep can cure, depression that swallows me up like the ocean, anxiety that leaves me on tender hooks, and mania that puts my foot to the floor in a race to get everything done.
On some days I can feel just one of these, on others maybe two, but most of the time I swing from one to another within minutes or hours from one another. Talking a million words a minute to not talking at all. Too tired to move to not being able to stop for a breathe. Too scared to leave the house to being agitated that I’m locking myself away. Feeling ok to feeling that I want to die. Focused on needing to hurt to feeling complete and utter sadness. There are no rhyme or reason to the raft of deep and unnerving feelings, thoughts and emotions that my mind and body put me through in any given day.
It’s any wonder why I struggle to get through a day at work let alone a week, it’s no surprise why I can’t participate in life and daily activities that seem the norm to most, and it doesn’t cease to amaze me why exhaustion constantly hits me like a ten tonne truck with no brakes. Everything would be a lot easier if they could just remove from my brain any part that stopped me feeling, stopped the polar opposites, and the every day extremes that sweep through my day.
Last time I saw my psychiatrist I talked about the constant manic feelings I had while at work and how by the time I got home or towards the end of the week that my body would go into a deep exhaustion that I was I unable to escape even with hours and hours of sleep. My medications were altered to stabilise my mood during the day and to try to control the mania that kept me on super over load at work. While the periods of being manic are not as pronounced and long lasting they are definitely still present but what is also there is the extremes of mood from deep depression, to near a state of panic to mania that some how gets my work done.
I am not sure any amount of medications are enough to stabilise the extremes my mood, mind and body go through in any given day. Yes The Happiness Trap has helped me in accepting my thoughts and feelings for what they are but it doesn’t go that next step and getting rid of them from my day.
I long to be normal, whatever normal is. I crave for my day just to be a day where I can say that I honestly feel good and that one day I can say that I am actually happy, hopeful that i recognise happiness when it arrives. It’s nice to hope and to dream. It’s a step forward to accept my depression, anxiety and mania for what they are but at what point will they be no longer, when I can be absent of these extremes that leave me so exhausted that sleep is never enough.
What more can I do? I have been on countless different medications and different combinations of them. I have allowed ECT into my brain and bring with it amnesia that has taken my memories. I have been locked up voluntarily and without my consent in psychiatric wards and hospitals for weeks at a time in the hope that things will be brought under control and I feel ok. I have set my career back years because depression took from me my ability to keep going. I have lost family and friends because the power of depression and stigma have pushed them away. I have tried visiting professionals, strangers to me, in the hope that seeing them would take away the pain only to find that I have an inability to talk and to recognise beyond the depression what the triggers and reasons are.
Haven’t I done enough to deserve a reprieve from this vicious world that has become my norm? When do I get to enjoy life rather than suffering in it? When can I wake without fear, open the door and smile at life? When can life become an enjoyment instead of a tedious chore?
It would be oh so easy just to give up on it all. Allow myself to become a prisoner of these extremes, give in to their demands and allow my life to pass me by because it’s so much easier to do that than to suffer through the raft of extremes that fill my day. I don’t want this life anymore, I don’t want the soul mate and my little boy to see me constantly in these extremes or be to depressed and exhausted to participate in life. I just want a new me, because i don’t know who I was before all this, depression took from me who I was, and it gave me this identity that I hate so much. I don’t want to hide behind a mask, away from the pain and so know one can know me.
I just want to be normal, whatever that means. I want a life that I can enjoy, however you do that. I don’t want to the prisoner of depression, I just want freedom so I can be at peace, be happy.