I have a lot going through my brain, a lot that is negative self-talk brought on my mood slowly slipping into the black hole that is my depression and severe exhaustion that saps absolutely everything from me. I don’t want to be on this precipice, or maybe I have already fallen over it, despite where I am in this fall, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want all my posts to become negative again, I want to be able to write about the hope, the recovery, the achievements, the small steps that I am going through, but at the moment there are none, its all just very hard. I don’t know what I am going to do, I have to work for financial reasons, but how do I keep going, how do I keep up, how do I stop myself from becoming the person I know I am heading for again?
I think I was a little ambitious in my previous posts where I have written about my road to recovery, maybe instead of starting to recover I was just on a manic high, maybe it wasn’t recovery at all but just a few things going my way – my blog, writing, getting a job, performing well in my job – that made me believe that I was recovering and all was good in my world. If I was on that road to recovery I have well and truly veered off course, down a side street, onto the rough roads again. Yes I have met up with my Black Dog again, he is at my side most of the time, well more time with me than off on his own little adventure. With each day he spends more time with me, the fog is starting to descend on my day, and I am finding myself wondering through a maze, struggling to find the exits that should be here.
I keep hearing ‘you will be okay’, ‘once you are in a routine it will be easier’, ‘think positively’, ‘go to bed earlier it will make you feel better’. I have tried all these, I have wanted to believe that these little things will happen and I would feel good, each day would become easier, but they aren’t, in fact it is the complete opposite. Positive self-talk is spoken about a lot in helping to combat depression, this is what these little comments have been and what I have tried to make as part of my mantra, for how long should I believe they will work, when clearly they are not?
I keep telling myself that I can live with this, I wont let myself suffer anymore from bloody depression, but I think I am truly kidding myself. Can anyone with severe depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety really live with this – be happy, love life, have endless energy, be that person that everyone admires – I know that I won’t be able to live with it, I will constantly struggle with it. If this is the case, I should change the about me section of my blog, to read ‘not living with it, still suffering from it’. Yes I have failed on my own mantra, my own determination that I could live with this, and undertake a normal life because I was on a road to recovery.
I have gone from being on a manic high for at least four weeks before Christmas, to now feeling no mania, and starting to slide down to a very low point. I can feel myself falling down this hill, feel the darkness beginning to shroud me, feel myself no longer caring, feeling myself trapped in a situation that is neither healthy nor okay for me, at what point do I say enough is enough, either bring on the manic episode or I want out of here?
I have gone from going to my Psychiatrist two weeks ago and saying I felt good, to wanting to go back and say ‘yeah well, you know what, I am not okay’. One minute he is concerned about my mania and adjusts my medication accordingly, now it’s the opposite pole so what do we do now add more drugs, adjust more or just leave it the way it is in the hope that I will start to feel better again?
I am just quiet frankly over the whole bloody thing, I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want it in my life, I don’t want to end up in another episode that will disrupt not just my own life, but my soul mate’s and my little boy’s.
I have got the ‘I don’t care anymore’ attitude. I don’t care what I look like, if my hair is messy, my teeth aren’t brushed, I am wearing the same clothes every day, I don’t care if people see me as moody, quiet, disconnected, a loner, I don’t care if my work is not at the level it should be, I don’t care if I don’t do anything around the house, I don’t care that I don’t want to talk to people, see people, I don’t care if I am negatively self-talking making things worse, because at the moment I no longer care because when I did care, when I was really working hard to be better, it has meant nothing because I am back to square one again where everything is likely to turn to shit again.