The Fireman came after my ex-husband, probably two years after. I thought it was true love, I thought he was the one, but all it turned out to be was lies, and I couldn’t decide between the truth and his lies.
The fireman was the one to rescue me from my unhappy marriage, and gave me reason to seriously question what my then husband was doing to me, in the end the fireman gave me some confidence and said that i deserved better and I shouldn’t be married to a man that constantly cheats, abuses, and controls my life. The fireman made me realise that what my ex was doing was not what true husbands did to their wives and loved ones, it was neither right nor normal. For the first time in many years the fireman made me question my relationship, made me see that this was not what i should be living through, this was not normal! How ironic that he ended up being the very same person that my ex-husband was, the one he convinced me was doing wrong by me.
So a husband who slept around, including with prostitutes, who controlled me right down to how much hair I got cut off to what I wore, a jealous husband who thought I was sleeping with every man I ever worked with or talked to, and a husband who thought that physical and mental abuse was ok, and caused trauma. So this wasn’t ok? This wasn’t normal? This wasn’t what all husbands did?
He was my first love, I didn’t know any different, and I had no idea that I deserved better!
Anyway, back to the fireman.
When I think back on this relationship I think I was just plain stupid, and I should have made quick conclusions that this wasn’t for me. But I didn’t! I blame depression, no self confidence, and loneliness for staying in this relationship.
Depression was the blame because it meant that I needed support to get through each day, to have someone who could check on me and make sure I was ok, someone who was there despite whether I was depressed, manic, or reasonably normal. So he was there when nobody else was. For all depressives establishing a support network to assist you through depression it is very important, they become the ear to listen, eyes to watch the signs, smile to brighten a day, and a hug to reassure. Most of all we all need a support network who will always ask if you R U oK?, and if your not have an action plan to put into place.
My ex-husband destroyed my self-confidence, what little I had left the fireman tried to re-build it with support in my career, study, and my personal life. The idea of having self-confidence breeds a lot of different emotions, drive, and skill sets. It develops you as a person, and provides those around you with the perception that you are a force. The lies and deception the fireman caused started to slightly erode what self-confidence I had left.
For someone who was popular, the fireman created a lonely environment in which our relationship existed. There were plenty of invites to different functions and family occasions, he planned these with the intention to make me believe that I was going, and a true part of his life. But as the occasion got closer there was always excuses why we weren’t going, and later I would find out he went without me. He wanted the girlfriend privately but in the real world I didn’t exist. Nobody in his family, friendship networks or work networks, I was later to learn knew we were a couple. If I wasn’t so stupid and so vulnerable I would’ve seen what was going, seen him for what he was, but I didn’t for years.
That’s one of the problems with depression, so many people walk away from us that the minute someone shows support, we latch onto them, thinking they will be the difference we need to survive, to recover from depression. We are so sick, and so vulnerable that we fail to see who they really are and what there real intentions are. I was so blind to what was happening to me, that I couldn’t see what should’ve been the obvious, I was to quick to trust, and to reliant on the support.