This time of year is meant to be a season to be joyous, a festive season, a merry time, and a happy new year, but for me Christmas is a time of dread, wishing it would just go away, and a time of feeling awkward, lonely, and everything but happy.
I didnt start to feel this way until court orders forced me to share my little boy’s Christmas days with my ex-husband. The first Christmas after my separation from my little boy’s Dad I woke up to an empty house….no immediate family, no Christmas celebrations, no Christmas roast lunch and leftovers for dinner, but most of all I didn’t wake up after Santa had been hearing the footfalls and laughter of a little boy waking up to Christmas.
Any parent would tell you that hearing your children Christmas morning is one of the best experiences of being a parent. When this gift is taken from you through heartache and cheating Christmas is never the same again.
Like depression that took almost everything from me, my ex-husband took the joy Christmas from me. Once the meaning of Christmas, your child, has been taken from you, despite what follows it is so hard to feel the same for Christmas again.
I am not sure that Christmas was ever a big deal for me. I mean I loved the yearly tripped to my Nonna and Nonno’s for lunch and then my Grand am and Grandpa’s for tea. They were meals of conversation shared with lots of kids. I use to love waking up at Nonno’s under the tree decorated by Zia’s homemade decorations, it felt peaceful. Once they past away Christmas wasn’t the same. I never felt a Christmas feel at the home of my parents, the only enjoyment I had was cutting down a branch from our pine tree, and then setting up the manager, there wasn’t anymore love than normal, there wasn’t a personal feel to the day, it just became a meal.
The Christmas’s I had with my little boy before my separation and divorce felt real, there was joy, and happiness, they felt like Christmas. So much emotion when my little boy wore his first little Christmas outfit, his little footsteps in the mornings, and the joys of his laughs opening and playing with his toys. Christmas became a real Christmas. Then we had court orders and Christmas was never the same ever again for me.
Since I have meet my soul mate we have gone out of way to try to bring the joy of Christmas back. I am unsure why it is so hard for me to find joy in this happy family time. Maybe it’s the underlying sadness that I attribute to Christmas – a family home with no love, and a home where my son is not there For all of Christmas especially Christmas morning. I try to get into the spirit but its like someone has removed that part of me from my life despite me finding love, and having his family like they are my own.
Now I feel guilty that I can’t get in the spirit. Maybe I was never in the spirit for Christmas? For example, the last time I went to a work Christmas party was 19 years ago in the first year of employment following year 12. Yes that’s right I haven’t been to one since, I have been amazing at finding reasons why I can’t go. Until tomorrow when I have to go to my work Christmas party with my new work, because its being held during business hours and there isn’t a way to get out of it. To add to my anxiety of going, it’s somewhere where I don’t know and I am bound to get lost trying to get home, and if that’s not bad enough there is a Kris Kringle, and I am convinced it will be me that receives the most awkward, embarrassing gift, leaving me in a state of panic, and the desire to just get the hell out of there and go home.