Divorce not just from a husband…..

If going through separation and then divorce with a toddler and severe depression isn’t enough to live with, the divorce you suffer from family, friends, and work colleagues is enough to send anyone into complete darkness, into a vast maze where there is no escape, over a cliff that plunges you down a rock face forever, where the presence of that Black Dog is relentless, punishing, and unforgiving, he is not a play mate, a pet, he is your worst enemy.

I experienced separation in 2004, a year or so later I was divorced from the man as an 18 year old I fell in love with, in love with the first male who wanted to date and be with me, the man who would father my little boy, and who would subject me to endless pain, abuse, and punishment. He was a cheater, a physical abuser, a mental tormentor, and a control freak who didn’t trust me, respect me, nor as time would tell really truly just love me. He wanted the best of both worlds – a family, and a wife who was at his beck and call, and a single man if that’s what you call him who wanted the affection of women from pubs to brothels. The endless trail of women he cheated on me were advertised to me every night when he would wake me to tell me of his exploits. I now know that despite his words he was never sorry, but proud that he had such success and was able to torture me constantly with his dark misadventures.

The day I kicked my husband out I found out he paid a brothel for sex, I also found out that he was dating someone who now turns out to be his wife.

The greatest impact apart from separating from the man who is meant to be your husband for life was the loss of family and friends because I separated and because I had depression and that started the walls around me to collapse and for the power of loneliness to encapsulate my every being. My family was neither religious nor cultural, therefore the construct of marriage was just that marriage. There was no strict affiliation to marriage or its requirement to be a lifetime commitment, but the day I separated was the day that I was no longer good enough to be a part of their family, apparently a husband cheating on you, abusing you physically and mentally were not sufficient factors to cause separation. My label of being the black sheep of the family grew, and my world of support how little it was shrank to near nothing. In a time of considerable hurt, and separation became the loneliest time of my life.

I was divorced from my own flesh and bone.

I soon learnt that divorce and depression combined was also a significant factor in driving friends away, those that were ‘our’ friends didn’t want to know me, those that were ‘my’ friends were driven away after my first trip to the ED after a cutting episode that my work colleagues saw and decided I should go to hospital.

I was effectively divorced not just from my husband, but from family and friends.

What came was the loneliest time of my life when family who are meant to stick by you no matter what, and people who I thought were friends all abandoned me, because I decided that a cheater, and abuser shouldn’t have a place in my life. After 15 years of cheating, hurt and abuse was too much and I needed to escape an unhappy marriage. But as my husband often said to me “if you don’t have me, you have nobody”, how true he was.

Parts of my storey are very confronting and some may find upsetting, if you find yourself upset and depressed I encourage you to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 224636.

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6 thoughts on “Divorce not just from a husband…..

  1. I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain–or are still dealing with it. I have heard the major stresses in life are divorce, a major move, and grief. Divorce is comparable to grief. I know I needed a great support person, and that was only one friend, my husband. All my other friends seemed to not want anything to do with me. My feeling is that they just don’t know how to handle my “issues”, or what to do to help, so they back off. As far as the family of your ex, personally I wouldn’t care, because my husband’s sisters have always been rude to me—and it’s been 27 years! But, they are family, and they are a part of your son’s life. I hope you find some peace. At least you know that there are others out here with some of the same type of issues, through the blog world.

  2. I have always had a distant mom. I lost my sister in March, who was my other anchor. In fact after her funeral, I decided I hated my mom—which brought on a ton of guilt, and a round of depression that I’m digging out of.

    One thing I have learned, the people who have never experienced depression, think we can snap out of it–which I’m sure you know.

    I know that I will listen, if you need a friend to bounce things off of. You are not alone in this world.

    • Thank you for your support. So sorry to hear of the loss of your sister.

      I was never close to my Mum or sister, it’s been years since the stopped talking to me so I have slowly grown use to them not being i my life.

  3. Pingback: Time doesn’t heal our wounds, we are, however left with scars…. | Sad Mum Happy Mum

  4. Oh how I relate to this! My ex husband was the same, extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I fear it was so close to becoming physically abusive when I finally got away from him. He too would tell me I had no-one if I wasn’t with him and he was right in a sense because he had successfully isolated me from most of my friends and I didn’t have any support from my family.

    Mine ended up cheating on me with numerous people via online “hook up” sites but he kept it a secret. I’m so glad I found out and ended it. I can’t believe your husband was cocky enough to tell you about his cheating!

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