If someone had of asked me where I would be today, 12 months ago, I probably wouldn’t have known what to say, I know anything positive would not have been on my radar. I was way too sick with severe depression to see through the thick fog that had descended on my life, I had no hope, no desires to continue with my life. I had just experienced a suicide attempt that left me in hospital ICU, and a hospital ward for weeks, and I was being transferred to a psychiatric ward, which I was so scared of. I had no hope for my future, I had no fight in me to go on, I couldn’t recognise the hurt in my soul mates eyes, couldn’t see his tears, or feel his heartache because of where depression had taken me. I couldn’t see my little boy crying because I wasn’t at home, and when nobody was telling him why his Mummy was in hospital again, and not at home with him.
The place I have come from is difficult to put into words, nobody can document the despair you reach when you are severely, deeply depressed, where ending your life in, your mind is the only answer. You can’t write about a journey of such ill health when your memory has been destroyed by ECT and when drugs leave you in a blur. You can’t talk about wanting to, and actually cutting yourself so deeply that you require stitches, but seeing your own blood, and feeling the pain from cutting gives you so much relief from the pain that shrouds your very being.
Where I have been is more than the words I have written, it has been a journey of survival that I quiet easily could have lost. Leaving my soul mate without a future, and my little boy without his Mummy and forever breaking his heart.
My journey to recovery, I have already described, as starting on a thin overgrown hiking track balanced precariously on a cliff edge, that track slowly getting wider, less overgrown and positioned above a rocky outcrop, then the track moved onto a rugged, pot hole filled old rural track that took me through old farmland with the occasional view, slowly though this rural track it moved onto a rural road with pockets of bitumen, remnants of the rural track, but it started to get easier to travel this road to recovery. I am not on a super highway yet, but my road is getting better, maybe a road found in a metro area, it’s occasionally rough going but travel seems to be getting easier.
I wouldn’t be on my metro road without the many medications, the sessions of ECT, psychiatric appointments, counselling, the exhaustion, the affects of a drug blur, or the retrograde amnesia that has occurred. I wouldn’t be here without all of these. Most of all I wouldn’t be here without my soul mate who fought for me when I was to weak, when I couldn’t see the hope he saw it for me, when I couldn’t stop my tears he dried them for me, when I couldn’t find my way out he found the doors, when I couldn’t see in the dark that had descended my life he gave me light, he was my sight, my heartbeat, my strength, and my hope.
My greatest step on my way to getting on that super highway has been gaining employment in a position I love. I am still on the on ramp to the motor way, a long way for me, but I am moving forward, I can finally see the light, and my Black Dog is starting to get bored and is starting to wonder away on a few walks, I am hoping he will get lost along the way….
Now my recovery comes from courage, it comes from a belief in myself that has definitely grown with the success and support given to me from my blog and my readers. I have a new found belief for myself that hasn’t been there before. I have learnt to start to ignore the negative self talk that aims to bring me down, it still enters my mind, at times but with the help of my soul mate, and the power of music I have a better mechanism of control. Most of all courage has transformed me into a new person in myself, it’s allowed me to see the beauty in nature, smell the roses, here the tempo, and to find my new place in life.
As I move along this new journey of life, in a job I am passionate about, in a relationship of true love with a soul mate who found me at my darkest, saddest time, and in a time that my little boy will now have a healthy, and 100% Mummy, that I have been guilty of never being 100% for him because I was held in kidnap by depression.
I have the courage, I continue to gain the strength, and I am starting to edge closer to that super highway on my way to recovery, I recognise that depression is with me forever, that Black Dog will always be present in my life, but hopefully in time I will start to see less off that Black Dog, as happiness starts to slowly infiltrate my life.