Pain and Punishment…..

“When we cling to pain, we end up punishing ourselves”. Leo Buscaglia

Everyone suffers pain, and hurt at different stages in their lives. It is just apart of life. Some of us work through the pain, and get over it, but others, like me, relive those painful moments constantly, I relive the past way to often, and never seem to get past it.

As I move through my recovery from severe depression I continue to reflect on the factors that have contributed to where I am today, on my helplessness, and on my depression. I can’t forgive and forget for the bullying that caused me constant torment, the pain that my bullies caused me every day of my secondary school life. I can’t get the words, the physical abuse, and the abandonment that I always experienced by my Mother. I struggle to forget the cheating, the mental and physical abuse, the bullying, and the constant torment that my ex-husband put me through for 15 years of my adult life. I can’t move past the constant judgement, bullying, discrimination because I was mentally ill that a past workplace put me through.

All this and more make up my pain. This has left me with open wounds that struggle to heal and become scars. It is all this collective pain that is constantly punishing me, driving my depression, and preventing me from being the person I should be.

My mind is on constant rewind, thoughts, and feelings are racing through my head punishing me with my past pain. I know to recover from depression, to tame that Black Dog I need to get past these memories, to take control of the pain, so that mind is free of punishment and focused to get well completely.

Are we ever in a position to escape all the pain that has built up over time? We don’t ever truly forget everything that has happened to us to cause us pain. I have a lot of work to resolve this for me, to get to a healthy place where I am able to move on from the past that continues to cause me pain, and subsequently punish me. This will take time, a lot of work with my psychiatrist before I can start to heal, and for my Black Dog to start to walk away from my life completely. I am hopeful that with time I won’t continue to be punished.

Parts of my storey may be confronting and some may find upsetting, if you find yourself upset and depressed I encourage you to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 224636.


6 thoughts on “Pain and Punishment…..

  1. Hey SMHM- I am going to do a post on you. Yes you. I know exactly where you are at. You are on a treadmill that you cannot seem to get off, but I have much to say about ” working through ” the past with your head doctor. I have had BP2 for all of my life, and seen the darkest of nights of the soul, with a gun to my head. I have seen the ups and down and lived in darkness that was debilitating. I have struggled with addictions to substances as I tried to self medicate my way through my life. My own brother committed suicide while we were sitting watching a television show, and he got up, walked outside, and shot himself. I know the pain. I know the mercy that I have been given to even make it to where I am at, since only a small percentage of you and me ever survive even a few years in this state. Lastly, I dont know what support services you have other than a psychiatrist, but for me, that system just kept me reliving the pain. Thats why they are paid, to keep you sick. Sounds terrible and there are wonderful therapists out there, but I have been a therapist, and an addict, and a person with BPD2.. You will never, ever get off the roller coaster, until you start looking forward and stop looking backwards. Never, ever stumble on something behind you. You cannot look forward and backwards at the same time. It is a trap. You have to address the issues of the past, and then focus on the future. Think on things you want to be, not what you were. Speak words each day about where you are headed, not where you were. Everything starts with a decision to let a thought linger. When we do that, we open the door for believing what we think, and sadly,, our behavior will follow our beliefs. It is critical if you want of the treadmill, to trace things back to your thoughts, and deal with things there. If not, you will stay in the believing stage, which will keep you locked in.  Please receive this with an open heart and mind. I am only trying to help you out of a place I lived for 20 years…I know what it is like. Actually now that I think about it, I think I posted something last week about how are stinking thinking leads to a mess. If you get time check it out in archives from last week or maybe 2 weeks at most. I will do a post on the topic you brought up in the near future, but I think I have shared my take with you right here. I would never mention you buy the way, I just meant an article on a similar topic. Stay well, and get ready for your breakthrough!

    Tim    Timothy J. Petri

    • Hi Timothy,
      Thank you for your message.
      I would prefer that you give me some say in what your article on me says, and addresses. I would also prefer that all topics you refer to are linked to my blog posts, and you address the article to my blog.
      If you wish to ask questions for your article just let me know.
      Kind Regards

      • SMHM,
        I apologize if I left you thinking that I would ever post anything about you personally. I meant to convey that all of us who have been through these type trials need to connect and it is more common than people think. If you are open to an interview that I could use on the blog to give people an idea of what it is like to deal with these things, let me know as I would love to do that. If not, I will just post something about the topic in general. Sorry for the misunderstanding! 🙂 Please let me know of your decision. You have insight that would be great to share and powerful in helping others.

      • I am happy to do an interview, it would have to be via email, as I have finally started working again, and will have limited time for any other type of interview. Thanks for clearing up things. I would still like references to my blog so I can gain something from your article, and so people know where to find me for more insight on my experience.
        Thanks Timothy

  2. Pingback: Time doesn’t heal our wounds, we are, however left with scars…. | Sad Mum Happy Mum

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