“When we cling to pain, we end up punishing ourselves”. Leo Buscaglia
Everyone suffers pain, and hurt at different stages in their lives. It is just apart of life. Some of us work through the pain, and get over it, but others, like me, relive those painful moments constantly, I relive the past way to often, and never seem to get past it.
As I move through my recovery from severe depression I continue to reflect on the factors that have contributed to where I am today, on my helplessness, and on my depression. I can’t forgive and forget for the bullying that caused me constant torment, the pain that my bullies caused me every day of my secondary school life. I can’t get the words, the physical abuse, and the abandonment that I always experienced by my Mother. I struggle to forget the cheating, the mental and physical abuse, the bullying, and the constant torment that my ex-husband put me through for 15 years of my adult life. I can’t move past the constant judgement, bullying, discrimination because I was mentally ill that a past workplace put me through.
All this and more make up my pain. This has left me with open wounds that struggle to heal and become scars. It is all this collective pain that is constantly punishing me, driving my depression, and preventing me from being the person I should be.
My mind is on constant rewind, thoughts, and feelings are racing through my head punishing me with my past pain. I know to recover from depression, to tame that Black Dog I need to get past these memories, to take control of the pain, so that mind is free of punishment and focused to get well completely.
Are we ever in a position to escape all the pain that has built up over time? We don’t ever truly forget everything that has happened to us to cause us pain. I have a lot of work to resolve this for me, to get to a healthy place where I am able to move on from the past that continues to cause me pain, and subsequently punish me. This will take time, a lot of work with my psychiatrist before I can start to heal, and for my Black Dog to start to walk away from my life completely. I am hopeful that with time I won’t continue to be punished.
Parts of my storey may be confronting and some may find upsetting, if you find yourself upset and depressed I encourage you to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 224636.