The days and hours are counting down until I start my daily one hour train ride to my new job that is in an area I am passionate about. My ability to do this job, skill wise is not my concern, because I know I have the skills, and experience to do this job well. My greatest fear, what has already started, the nightmares, anxiety, and constant worry, and that this is my first job in over 12 months, the first after my major depressive episode that resulted in my hospitalisation for months at a time, medications, ECT that caused retrograde amnesia, counselling, and group therapy. Severe depression is what brought me down significantly, I was taken down by a Black Dog that changed my life, caused me pain and punishment beyond repair.
Hour by hour, thought by thought my negativity, and fears increase. I’ve started questioning everything from who I am, to how I can mentally capability to cope with a full time job. Everyone keeps telling me I can do it, yes skill wise I can, mentally that’s a completely different storey that few understand.
The anxiety and panic taking over me, is beyond my medications control, the nightmares trouble me day and night, the stressors of working again consume me…I don’t know how to get through this, how to manage my feelings so they don’t take over me, and bring back the Black Dog into my life.
I don’t think my fears are unreasonable, most people, I am sure who suffer from severe depression have these same fears. My greatest fear now is failing my soul mate and little boy, not being able to maintain a job that is one of my passions, I just want to go to work, feel fine, and get on with my life….
I just want this new job to be a new start, away from depression, away from a toxic work environment filled with discrimination and bullying (yes it follows me everywhere), I want to be free from the past, and joining the future. I just want to be free of anxiety, panic, and depression, I want to be happy, positive, and healthy, I want to be able to go to work every day and not feel sick, so bad, so everything that makes me unhealthy, depressed.
I don’t want trying to move forward with my new job, and a new house to be the very things that send me back onto the roller coaster, that cause the invasion of, and entrapment with the Black Dog.
For the first time in awhile I actually thought about cutting myself, cutting my wrist and sending the knife deep into me. I want the relief from what cutting gives me. My psychiatrist would admit me again for these thought, so would my soul mate. The sense of comfort it gives me. I thought I was on my road to recovery, I thought I was ready to go back to work, to start a new life over….I think I am going to be proved wrong!
I write this three weekdays, and a weekend out of starting my new job, I hope, truly I do, that it is a complete new start for me, I really want it to be a new beginning….
Parts of my storey are very confronting and some may find upsetting, if you find yourself upset and depressed I encourage you to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 224636.