Moving forward with trepidation…..

The last 12 months have been the worst and most challenging of my life, filled with near fatal events, depression, and admission to hospitals, and psychiatric wards. My therapy has included a lot of drugs that have caused different reactions and side effects, and ECT (electro convulsive therapy) that has left me with retrograde amnesia/lost memories from at least 12 months to the last 3 years. Today I reached a major milestone, I was offered a full time job, and it is my dream job, emergency management. After everything I have been through I never thought that I would be employed, let alone in a position that is my passion. I hope that I am well enough to undertake this job with success, god I hope I will be okay! But no depressive knows how long “I will be okay” will last for, under what circumstances will I manage for, and what will be too much for me to manage.

While I am excited about the road I am now travelling, and how far I have come from that evil place, and how at times I have managed to escape from that Black Dog, I am still fearful of setback, of not being to manage the exhaustion, the symptoms that lead up to a depressive episode.

I should be thankful that I have escaped the toxic bullying environment of my previous workplace, where I felt like I had to prove myself constantly, was always judged because of my ill health, and where depression was used against me. I am not sure if I have the confidence to not keep looking over my shoulder, and thinking that I am in a position for my own merit where my work proves my credibility. It takes time to recover from any toxic environment, I mean I am still trying to work out my childhood and teenage years and the bullying and abuse that affected me every day from both the school, and home environments.

I hope now that I have finally reached a cross road in my road to recovery, I hope I make the right choice about which direction I will go, I hope that I can leave that Black Dog back on the hiking trail I left a while back, and I can start a new future filled with positive actions, hope, confidence, and happiness, most of all I want to feel happy! I want my soul mate and my little boy to be proud of me, and most of all I want them to know from our move forward that I am finally in a good place where depression will not take me again.

Dear God,
I have finally reached a place where I can say that I am almost content,
There are times in each day when I can honestly say I feel happiness,
I have come a long way since depression took me to that evil place,
I do not usually ask you for anything,
But I would like to ask that with all the hard work I have undertaken,
That you can help me to keep the Black Dog away,
So that I can move forward to a new place,
Where I can be me without judgement,
Can look forward, and not over my shoulder,
Where there is not stigma,
Where I live, work, and play in a healthy environment,
Where people are genuine,
And I am depression free,
Depression is my greatest fear,
I pray that you help me to keep it at bay,
So that my travel on the road to recovery continues,
I recognise there may be bumps along the way,
But I do not want depression to take me,
I want to get on with my life,
Where happiness is my best friend


One thought on “Moving forward with trepidation…..

  1. Pingback: Finding Courage…… | Sad Mum Happy Mum

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