The battle within myself…..

For a couple of months now I have felt like I may be on top of things, that I have finally started down that road to recovery from severe depression. But deep down there is always the doubt in the back of my mind that maybe I am just manic, being unrealistic, thinking that what is happening is all but a dream that will never come true. When do I reach a point, a level of wellness that I can actually know that I am ok, that the Black Dog has, this time, actually gone for a walk!

I have been applying for jobs for awhile now, hoping, really hoping that I am up to working again, that I am actually well enough to go back to a normal life. I don’t think I am ready, but I don’t want to let my soul mate down! I know getting back to routine is a good thing for my depression but……

A small thing like talking to people, doing basic household and family duties exhausts me. An interview for an hour takes everything out of me, and for days I am physically and mentally drained beyond dealing with each day. How will I ever manage to work all week, week in week out, not to mention the talking to people, the social anxiety and the sheer exhaustion of putting the bloody mask back up!

The stress of potentially getting the call that I have been successful in getting a job is overwhelming, deep down I am at war with myself. One part of me wants my career back the other side wants what I do now – security of being home without the factors that add up to a major depressive episode. I just don’t know that I can do the career thing again, I just don’t know what I can handle anymore, I am terrified of breakdown, and failing my soul mate and my little boy again.

I want to believe that this road I am on is just that, a road to recovery, but why so often do I feel I am at that damn intersection where that bloody Black Dog is waiting for me again? Maybe travelling a road to recovery is all but a dream maybe I am still hiking on that rocky outcrop where it’s likely I will plummet over the edge!


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