Finding my true love amongst the fog……

After introducing myself as Sad Mum Happy Mum and blogging about who I am and how I met my Black Dog, I thought it would be nice to provide a positive blog that has given me hope, provided me happiness, and started me on the path of recovery from depression.

In November, 2011 my life changed like I never thought it would.  After a broken marriage and a complicated relationship I headed for online dating.  How I ever found the courage to meet anyone online when I didn’t have the courage to face life with depression, I have no idea.  Having only bad experiences with love since I was 18, I had no expectations on what I would find.

On my second night online I met someone, we chatted until 2am, and every question we asked we both had the same answer, well except Ford versus Holden.  We agreed to meet and I said I would be the girl with the glass of merlot at the bar, he said he loved merlot too.  I was so excited to be meeting someone, who I clearly felt something for after messaging online until the early hours the night before, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. 

The minute he walked around the corner and looked me in the eye and smiled I knew he was the one. 

We talked all night, and danced the night away.

From that night on we weren’t apart for more than 24 hours.  It was true love.

You would think that true love would lift the fog, lighten the darkness, open the exits in my maze but that is not how depression works, the Black Dog can’t be tamed just because you fall in love, but that is another storey…… 

The love drug worked its magic for awhile, how long I am not sure.  I felt giddy in love.  Not something I had felt with my previous two relationships.  It was all new to me.

Life came crashing back down to earth the following year when a major depressive episode landed me in hospital for weeks and then more weeks in a psychiatric ward.  Anyone in a new relationship would worry that their new love would walk away, like most people in a depressives life, walk away because it is all too hard!  Well not my true love, he truly showed that he was and always will be my soul mate.  He stood by me, insisted on treatment and therapy.  He organised health insurance knowing that the public health system just wasn’t going to cut it. 

He stands up for me when I am too weak to stand up for myself, he is my energy when my medications make me too tired to keep going, he is my memory when ECT took my own memories, he is our financial support when I can’t earn any, he is my smile and my laughter when depression takes over, and he is my everything when it gets too hard for everyone else to be around me.

The last 12 months have been extremely hard on me, depression has nearly taken my life, but most of all it has been testing on a relationship, which was in its infancy.  But at no time did my soul mate say this is too hard, or say snap out of it and move on, even with little money not once has he said you must go back to work, there is never a negative or upsetting word, nor is there any sign that our relationship has developed cracks.  When you find true love, your soul mate, it is forever in sickness and in health, in happiness and in sadness, in the dark and in the light, in poor and in rich, love is the strength that keeps you going when the Black Dog takes over control of your life and sends you into depths of depression that you never thought was possible.

Without my true love, my soul mate, I probably wouldn’t being writing this blog, I may not be alive, but instead I am still madly in love, committed to my soul mate endlessly, I am on my way to recovery, and there are times of real happiness when the Black Dog has gone for a walk…..

 

Parts of my storey are very confronting and some may find upsetting, if you find yourself upset and depressed I encourage you to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 224636.

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7 thoughts on “Finding my true love amongst the fog……

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